As the parent of a child that was mercilessly bullied in elementary school, systematically abused on an emotional as well as physical level, I consider it very important to share with you my thoughts on bullying in general.
We the parents are responsible for our children and to teach them the difference between right and wrong. We teach them how to treat other people with respect, love and understanding. We teach them about politeness, manners, etiquette and to follow the rules of society.
Children need to be comfortable in school simply to be able to learn and progress in their studies. Children need confidence and faith in themselves to be able to succeed.
The sad truth is that children do not always enjoy such conditions in school. A child can be ignored. The school can become a nightmare for it. The child can become apprehensive about going to school or certain classes, doesn’t make any friends there, feels out of place and that he or she can’t do anything right or properly. If so the child needs help.
If you suspect that your child is being bullied at school you should at once contact its teacher and the school’s administration. Get answers so that the child can receive the necessary support against feelings of inferiority and misery. Every school should have and follow a policy against bullying. It is not enough to simply wave it in front of parents and declare that bullying is not tolerated. The fight against bullying needs to be taken much further. It is not enough to simply talk about the matter, action needs to be taken to reach children who bully and also, just as important, their parents. It is also important that the parents of bullies acknowledge the problem and deal with it. Don’t think: My child would never do that! Parents often don’t realize that their children take part in bullying, but it is in their power to stop it. Don’t ignore the problem – there is too much at stake for that.
One of our neighboring countries has for example started to hand alleged bullies over to the Child Welfare Authorities with good results. The entire family of the bully is then investigated in terms of social behavior.
We the parents want the best for our children and guide them to the best of our knowledge and capabilities. Our capabilities vary and often we simply don’t know any better. A child that bullies others doesn’t know any better either, it isn’t informed enough. Bullies often come from homes where they themselves are abused, either physically or mentally, and take their shame and anger out on others by humiliating and hurting them. The bully needs guidance and help, and the same can be said about their parents who don’t know any better, ignore the problem and refuse to face reality.
We the parents of the victims can empower ourselves and our children by finding each other and standing together as a group. Assemble together and work as a team. More often than not, an alleged bully bullies more than just one or two others. By drawing strength from each other we won’t be alone any more.
By working together as a team to reach the bullies and their parents it is possible to put pressure on the bullies. Their followers will leave them in shame along with all the silent bystanders who are too afraid to tell. The bully becomes alone in his bullying, as fewer people care to participate in their awful act and more people are on their guard against it.
I know, to my deep sorrow, how much a relief it is to escape bullying and its surroundings. That a child is freed from bullying and its perpetrators is a wonderful thing that all employees of the school would celebrate.
I know of teachers who have been reprimanded for their harshness towards alleged bullies. Bullies who have antagonized and steamrolled over the school´s authorities.
I myself ask why the bully is not suspended or transferred to another school as is done with the victims.
Perhaps it is because no school administrator would take on a bully with such a record? It’s a simple enough question. Why reward bullies time and again by transferring its victims between schools, towns or even different parts of the country. Yet another one gone, how many are left?
There is no shame in being the parent of a child that is bullied. It hurts tough, more than words can describe. Everyone can be bullied and no one deserves it.
If you, dear reader, are in a similar position that I am describing then you must not give up. It is not an option. If we don’t protect and fight for our children no one will because nothing happens all by itself.
Keep in mind that denial doesn’t help anyone.
Denial does nothing for a small, scared and lonely child with a broken heart that cannot understand what it is doing wrong.
Words of advice;
- 1. Keep a journal and keep track of everything that comes up whether it’s within the school or not. Write down the full name of the people you consult with.
- 2. Keep track of all your phone calls to the school, your interviews with the teacher or the administration.
- 3. Keep track of all your consults with experts. Get their professional opinions and valuations in writing.
- 4. If the school offers you an interview with their own experts, get their valuation and advice in writing and signed by them.
- 5. Always fill out completely and thoroughly every form where you are applying for assistance.
- 6. Never take anything for granted when you are in need of help or support, then you won’t be as disappointed and hurt.
Bullying has terrible consequences for children and they often never recover fully from it. In the case of my son the consequences were such that in the end he simply could not cope any more with life – as broken as he was after years of abuse.
This letter is written in the hope that both parents and the schools open their eyes to this terrible threat and begin to take the proper steps to fight it. It is within our power to stop the abuse.
Because remember… your child could be the next victim!
Ingibjörg Helga Baldursdóttir
Elementary school teacher
Translated by
Tryggvi Hrólfsson
